Situation FUBAR
by The Maudlin Muse
Summary: Hawkeye and BJ get captured and experimented on by the Chinese where they are regressed in age both body and mories intact they know they need to get free and back to the 4077th.
1. Chapter 1

Colonel Potter sighed as he looked at his bedraggled troupe of ornery doctors and one nervous looking company clerk.

"Battalion aid lost two of their doctors after being blown sky high by friendly fire late last night. They need two of us to go up to the front until the replacements arrive." Potter explained.

"We're killing our own doctors now? What do the North Koreans need the Chinese for? We can just send them all home. Let them find a war where they are needed." Hawkeye asked his voice dripping with disdain and sarcasm.

"Because we are so easy to replace. Interchangeable to the army you know." BJ put in his two cents.

"One khaki scalpel just as good as the next." Hawkeye groused sounding like a petulant teenager.

"Oh, you guys don't have any respect for the war." Frank complained.

"You're right Frank, send me to my room, in Maine, without dinner." Hawkeye said.

"Radar do you have the straws?" Potter asked looking at his right hand man and ignoring his screwball doctors.

"No, no straws, left over sausage from breakfast." Radar told him as he produced four petrified sausage links from his pocket and broke two in half placing two of the halves in his pocket he placed the other two with the whole ones in his hand holding them all level with each other.

"Frank, go ahead, you draw first." Potter said and Frank gave a lipless smile tilting his head to the side a bit as he twitchily reached out and grabbed a sausage, giggling giddily as it came out whole.

"That's the way the sausage crumbles I suppose." He giggled with a shrug.

"Hawkeye." Potter directed and he reached out to grab a stub end of a sausage frowning at the half link and tossing it down on the desk.

"Guess I've won a trip to the fireworks." He said none too happily.

BJ reached and grabbed the next sausage and it also came up a half link and he sighed "We'll bring back souvenirs."

Radar dropped the last full link into the garbage and Colonel Potter nodded.

"Alright boys, they are expecting you ASAP so you should get on your way, go sign a jeep out of the motor pool and be on your way, they can't afford to be without surgeons for long." He told them.

Everyone ambled out of Potter's office BJ and Hawkeye going to get their helmets and a jeep.

They weren't far from the front, a scant three miles and once they were on the road it wasn't long before they reached the spot the map suggested Battalion aid should have been, but it wasn't there, they apparently did not have the latest information. The front had moved back a mile pushed back by the Chinese that morning. Before the two doctors knew it they were in enemy territory and surrounded. They put up their hands as guns pointed at them in all directions.

"I always wanted to be a POW." BJ said to Hawkeye as the enemy walked closer to them.

"Let's just hope we get that far. Don't want to get shot, might wind up on Frank's table, might as well write my own toe tag up in that case." Hawkeye told him shutting up as the men with guns got closer. He had a big mouth, but even he knew when to shut it.

There was yelling in Chinese as their jeep was surrounded and they were ushered out of it with guns pointed at them, they were ushered back into the back of the jeep and two of the chinese took the front, one of them turned to keep a gun trained on them and they sped off.

Both men looked at each other a moment communicating silently with their eyes before paying close attention to where they were going hoping if even one of them could escape for help they would be able to figure out a way back to the 4077th.

They both know how bad this situation is. There had been rumors that the Chinese were doing experiments on POWs, not that anything had been substantiated, but just the thought sent chills down the doctors' spines. There was no real news about what the experiments might be and the UN was trying to shut down the rumor mill on the subject, but they couldn't control it nearly as closely as they may like.

Hawkeye's eyes went wide as they pulled up to a hospital, it didn't look like it had been abandoned by whomever had used it before the Chinese had taken it over. The Chinese must have been keeping things up. Hawkeye figured they were about as far the other way of the front as their MASH was on the other side.

A gun was pushed into his side and there was yelling in his general direction in Chinese and he could see that BJ was already out of the jeep and being herded into hospital. He quickly followed not wanting to risk being separated from his friend.

They walked into a very sterile room, which seemed odd to Hawkeye as nothing in Korea was sterile. At the far side of the room were small bodies covered with sheets over their heads, on gurneys. Children, dead children… He looked at BJ and could see that he had figured out the same thing that he had and his friend looked slightly green around the gills.

"Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez!" Radar exclaimed as he scurried into the Colonel's office.

"What on earth is wrong, Radar?" Potter asked the obviously upset company clerk.

"I just got news from Sparky, oh jeez, sir the front was moved back a mile this morning by the Chinese. We sent the captains into enemy territory!" Radar explained looking white as a ghost and weak in the knees.

"Horse hooey!" The Colonel nearly shouted in distress. He was a career army man, he knew better than this. He should have gotten updated stats before sending his men out. Those boys were his responsibility and right now they were in very real danger and that was on him. Those boys wouldn't know army regulation if it bit them in the butt and neither of them would know what to do in enemy hands. BJ, he was sure would be prudent and amiable if captured to secure his safety, but Hawkeye, for all he was a magician with a scalpel could not hold his tongue and check his cheek to save his own hyde and he would need to.

"What are we going to do, sir?" Radar asked desperately, hoping the older man knew some way to save their friends.

"That is just the thing, there is nothing we can do about it. We don't have the people to send on a search and rescue and the army isn't going to send more people into enemy territory it isn't cost effective as far as lives risked for lives gained. If they have been taken as POWs they have rights and should be safe. It won't do us any good being down two doctors, but they should be safe cooling their heels with the Chinese for the time being." Potter told the distraught boy.

"You can't mean that! We can't leave the captains out there, they need us!" Radar exclaimed not at all okay with the military man's choice on the matter.

"It doesn't sit well with me either son, but there is nothing that can be done about it. This is just the way that war is," Potter was very worried, but was trying to hold it together for the young man standing before him looking like he had just run over his puppy. "Make a call to the 8063rd and give them a heads up that Battalion aid is going to be looking for doctors and we have no one left to spare and then call around to see if you can find us some doctors as well. If they have been captured we are going to be needing doctors in a right hurry." He hoped giving the kid something constructive to do would help keep his mind off his friends.

"Yes, sir." Radar said unhappily excusing himself from the office and scurrying over to the phone to start doing as he was told.

It felt like they had been strapped down to these beds forever being pumped full of lord only knew what. All Hawkeye knew was what he was seeing in his friend BJ as the days passed, his friend seemed to lose years off his age every day and now looked no more than maybe four years old, he himself looking at his hands knew he had been shrunk as well, but he didn't know the extent of the damage to his own person. He had several years on BJ to start and if he was losing time as rapidly as his friend he knew he could be no more than six or seven. He now understood what those little bodies under the sheets were. From the small amount of English spoken and the facts before his eyes apparently they had been trying to regress people for quite a while and from the sounds of it this was as far down as they had gotten anyone without them dying from the process, but Hawkeye knew they were going to keep going till they were either newborns or dead. He needed to get them out of there. He could tell by how BJ acted and he felt that the regression was more than just physical, he felt little inside his head. His emotions were stronger, more pronounced and he just felt young though he still had his memories. He had watched BJ fight and cry the last two days as the doctors came near them with the needles something he had not done just days ago when he had been a bit older. He could not imagine how terrified his friend was.

BJ was fast asleep, they did a lot of that, sleeping, but then their bodies were going through quite the ordeal.

Hawkeye flexed his tiny hand in the medical cuff that held it captive. He had shrunk quite a bit today and the cuff had not been adjusted. He managed to wiggle it free after some time and then worked on the rest of his binds.

It was late at night and their jailers were sleeping. It was with no small effort for him to have stayed awake. He was so tired, but he had to get BJ out of here. He didn't know how much more his friend's body could take, in another day or two he'd either be an embryo or dead. Hawkeye couldn't let that happen!

"Beej, Beej, wake up." He nudged his now tiny best friend.

"Hawkeye, I don't feel good." The little boy told his friend as he was being released from his bindings.

"It's okay BJ. We are gonna go home now and Potter and Margaret will make you feel better I promise, but you need to get up now and come with me. We hafta be very quiet." He could see the fear in BJ's bright blue eyes as he nodded at him. He could tell his friend had no idea what was happening to them and was afraid.

He took the little boy's hand, feeling oddly protective of his down sized partner in crime and pulled him out of the hospital. They were both barefooted and wearing tiny sets of hospital scrubs and the chill night air was cold.

"How we gonna get home Hawk?" BJ asked in a trembling voice and Hawkeye desperately wanted to reassure him that they would be okay, but he was terribly frightened himself.

Hawkeye looked around when he spotted their jeep parked over to the side of the hospital.

"Our jeep. Come on, we will take our jeep." He lead BJ over to the jeep and they both got it when BJ's bottom lip started to tremble.

"We can't reach the pedals." He said in a whimper, tears in his voice and Hawkeye would have given anything to make this less scary for BJ who was only just little.

"How bout you help me okay? You can get down and press the pedals with your hands and I'll steer, can you do that?" Hawkeye asked the preschooler.

BJ nodded "I can help." He said as he slid down onto the floor by Hawkeyes feet.

"Okay you push the one I tell you to okay?" Hawkeye asked.

"I can do dat Hawk." BJ told him.

"Good," Hawkeye said as he started the jeep "alright, press lightly on the gas."

A little hand pressed down on the gas and they jerked forward.

"Good, now even pressure." Hawkeye instructed and the little boy obeyed as Hawkeye steered the to the main road and off to the 4077th.


	2. Chapter 2

Warning: Small spanking of a downsized doctor at the end of this chapter.

"BRAKKEEE BRAKKKEEEE!" Hawkeye yelled as he tried to steer the jeep once they had entered the 4077th. They had made it back going slowly, but the kid on the pedals was sleepy and just after reentering their grounds he had leaned hard on the gas. It was all Hawkeye could do to avoid Father Mulcahy's tent and they went careening into the officer's latrine where they thankfully came to a full stop.

The sound of the crash brought most of the camp running, including Colonel Potter wearing his robe.

"What in sam hill is going on here?" He demanded as he spotted the two children in the Jeep, two American children in an army Jeep. Something was very wrong.

BJ popped his little head back up, hearing the familiar voice and seeing the familiar face of the resident father figure, BJ hopped out of the jeep obviously unharmed by the crash and went running as fast as little legs could carry him right at the man flinging himself right around the man's legs where he clung.

"Cownal Pottew, Cownal Pottew the Chinese getted us and den, den did dis!" He said pointing to himself.

As Potter removed the little one from his legs and knelt down in front of him to look him in the eyes,hands on his arms, Father Mulcahy stepped up and climbed over the ruins of the latrine to pluck a startled Hawkeye from the wreckage.

"What on earth were the two of you doing driving a Jeep? By George are you alright?" The padre demanded of the little boy who he settled on his hip. He didn't know what was going on, but he did know how to handle children.

At the same time Potter was questioning his own little moppet, "BJ? Is that you? It can't be…" but there was no denying those eyes, those huge blue eyes and the mop of hair so blond it was nearly white.

BJ nodded his head "Is me, is me! Das Hawkeye, he saved me." he insisted pointing to the other little boy while Hawkeye wrapped scrawny arms around Mulcahy's neck never thinking he had ever been so happy to see this place in all the time he had been in Korea.

"We had to padre, we had to!" Hawkeye insisted "I had to get BJ away because they were just making him littler and littler and there isn't much littler he could get and we had to get away and get back here because BJ doesn't feel good and he needs Colonel Potter and Margaret to make him better." Hawkeyes little brow creased with worry for his friend not even contemplating the fact that he wasn't in much better shape.

Trying to wrap his mind around the fact that his doctors had come back, well... de aged, Potter looked right at the little fella he had in his hands "You feeling sick son?" he asked the child concerned that whatever had done this to him could have caused some damage to his body.

BJ nodded in answer.

"What's the bother?" He asked still crouched down in front of the tot.

"My head and my tummy and my bones huwt." BJ told him.

Potter looked over at Hawkeye "How are you feeling?" He asked.

"A little achy." Hawkeye admitted lying his head on the father's shoulder. Now that the immediate danger had passed and his adrenalin had worn off he wasn't feeling so hot himself.

"Father, bring Hawkeye to the X-ray room. Margaret come with, we need to check these two out. On the double." Potter said as he swept the young child up into his arms and lead the way into the MASH unit. Both the major and the chaplin followed him.

Margaret and Potter started with taking X-rays of the boys and then brought them back to the VIP tent and started up a full physical. Both boy's were pliant and agreeable to the poking and prodding until the needles came out for the blood draw.

BJ lost all color and he started wailing loudly at just the sight. The adults in the room looked startled at the sudden outburst and father Mulcahy put a hand on the boy's head to try and calm him.

"He's scared a needles, now, started about a day ago when he got really little." Hawkeye explained as he inched closer to BJ where they both sat on the cot, till their legs were touching.

"Okay, it's okay BJ, just a little pinch, I need to get some of your blood." Potter said gently, reaching out to take his arm. BJ kicked him hard in the stomach doubling the old doctor over.

"Ooooooof," Potter gasped as the wind was knocked out of him.

BJ looked wide eyed and scared at having hurt the colonel. Potter catching his breath saw the look of upset that flashed in those limpid eyes "I'm okay kiddo," He assured standing back up "But we have got to get your blood drawn, let's see if we can't make this go a bit smoother. Padre, can you take him into your lap?"

"Sure." Mulcahy said agreeably and he lifted the little boy off the cot and sat in his place with the child in his lap, he could feel him trembling and wished there was more he could do to help.

"Okay now hold his left arm to his stomach with your arm across his body and use the other arm to hold his legs in place," Potter ordered. The father hated to do it, but he held him down as told. He could feel BJ panic and try to fight against it, but he was too tiny and he couldn't get away. "Margaret hold out his free arm for me," The Major reached over and held the little arm out and still. Potter hated doing it this way, but it was safest for all involved. He swiped the area with an alcohol soaked cotton ball and then inserted the needle.

BJ cried out, "Nooooooooo." tears streaming down his cheeks breaking all their hearts as Potter drew the needed blood. Potter extracted the needle and nodded at the other two to let the boy go. They did and BJ turned and threw himself into the father's chest and sobbed. Mulcahy wrapped his arms around him and shushed him. No one had been there while he cried when the Chinese had been sticking him with needles, Hawkeye having been strapped to another bed and unable to be of any comfort and it felt good to be held after being scared.

Potter felt like a monster as he turned to the other little boy sitting on the cot who did not look happy with him at all. He understood, BJ was his best friend and he hadn't been so friendly to him a moment ago.

"Well young man, are you going to make this easy or hard?" He asked the child.

"Easy." Hawkeye answered holding out his arm, he wanted none of what his friend just got, but he sorta wanted to kick Potter too for doing that to BJ.

The colonel quickly set about drawing blood from the older boy without much fuss.

BJ had stopped sobbing and peeked out from his hiding spot in the father's chest, popping his thumb into his mouth in an order to self sooth.

Margaret took the blood samples and held on to them as the colonel leaned down and looked right in BJ's eyes, now that he was calmer.

"I'm sorry we had to do that son, but it was very important. I know you remember how important blood samples are in figuring out what is wrong." Potter had raised his own kids who now had little ones of their own he knew a thing or two about them. He reached out and stroked one fair cheek before brushing sweaty blond hair from the child's eyes.

BJ garbled something out around his thumb and the colonel reached up gently to pull the thumb from his mouth "Can you try that again?" He asked.

"I membew," BJ repeated with a sniffle."Donnen't mean I hafta like it." He added with a pout.

"No, it doesn't mean you have to like it, son, still you know better than to kick. I am not at all happy about that young man," Potter scolded. "There is a very real likelihood that I will need to take more blood before this entire mess is sorted out and I won't have you kicking me each time I try. I understand you are scared, but sometimes you need to act like a big boy."

BJ's bottom lip wobbled precariously and he went to turn his face to hide in the father's chest again, but he was stopped with a hand on his chin, holding it and forcing him to look at the colonel.

"Come here then." Potter said letting go of the boy's chin and holding out a hand to him.

The boy slid from Mulcahy's lap and took the proffered hand. The colonel took the little hand and spun the child around to the side and planted three very firm swat to his thinly covered tiny rear.

BJ yelped out a loud "Owwwwiee!" before pulling his hand free from Potter's and using both little hands to cover his blushing face as if hiding behind them would make him and his embarrassment disappear. He cried into his hands his little shoulders shaking, but Potter was used to the reaction to the action. His own kids had not liked it much either.

"Why'd you go and hit him for?" Hawkeye demanded jumping to his feet and putting himself between the colonel and his friend.

"I spanked him," The colonel corrected and then he spotted Hawkeye getting ready to kick him "and if you follow through with that kick you will be next." He warned.

Hawkeye's eyes went wide and round, floppy black hair falling into them unchecked, he backed away from the man and sat back on the cot next to the father getting his bottom out of harm's way.

Potter nodded and then leaned down and lifted BJ up, who was still hiding behind his hands. He carried him over to what approximated the corner of the tent and placed the boy down facing it.

"You can stand there and think about how to behave like a big boy," He told the child. "Hands at your sides." He ordered and added another swat to the little bottom in the corner when the boy didn't comply. BJ wailed and quickly put his hands down at his sides, tears streaming down his cheeks, face bright red and unhappy.

Colonel Potter sighed, and BJ was the good one!


End file.
